maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize