So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
