All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
