Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
