Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
