Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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