And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
