When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
