We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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