the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
