she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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