thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The best revenge is premature balding
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
