You smell like stripper and shame
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
