I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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