I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
