if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
