never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
