gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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