Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
