Moan for me like Helen Keller
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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