Will you blow on my dice?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already