You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.