Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
