If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
