i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
