matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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