we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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