Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
