I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
