The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
