i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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