Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
