Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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