Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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