Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
