never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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