the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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