im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
