If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
