i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My vagina just recognized that song.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
