yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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