u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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