so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
