I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
