You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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