dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
