boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
