Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
