My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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