if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
