Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This is my gift to your gina
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
