Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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