In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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