I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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