i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
