Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
