The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
