The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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